Monday Marker: Single-Parent Dating

Dating while being a single parent can be risky and frustrating.

For never-married single parents the adjustment from marriage to singleness might not be an issue, but juggling parenthood with singleness can feel like mixing oil and water.

For the newly divorced or widowed, being single again causes a myriad of emotions, expectations and fears.

Whatever your case is, dating can feel like walking across a suspended rope bridge over the Grand Canyon.

I was a single mom for 19 years and encountered numerous dating mishaps I’d like to share. Hopefully you can avoid some of these pitfalls and learn from my experiences.

The first man who showed interest in me following my separation and discovery of my husband’s infidelity, was at my new job. He was smart, nice, sweet, never married. I only agreed to lunches and a couple of Saturday outings “as friends.” Before long he wanted more. “I’m still married” meant nothing to him. “I still love my husband,” didn’t phase him. I was glad to quit that job to work from home as a legal transcriptionist and “shake” him off. He lived 45 minutes away. I never gave him my address or phone number. One day he showed up at my house after driving around my town looking for me. Crreeeepy. I finally wrote him a letter bluntly asking him to leave me alone.

A year later, the next man I had anything to do with was when I became my well-meaning neighbor’s next fixer-upper project. Her guy friend was newly divorced. My kids and I went to his house for a pleasant steak dinner. The following week he called me every day wanting to “fall in love.” Soon after, I had to go to court concerning an issue with my ex-husband. Guess who was there for his divorce? Yep, he’d lied. And he had the same attorney I did!

The next guy was a friend from church, a nice Christian guy who’d been divorced for a while. We were drawn to each other having both experienced the same types of problems in our marriages.

Red flag! 

I didn't allow enough time to heal. I was needy. We were on-again, off-again for two years. He said the “L” word. I didn’t love him and I knew he didn't really love me. We eventually drifted apart.

I went out a few times with a pilot, five years younger than me. I know what you’re thinking…great catch! Our dates consisted mostly of him talking about flight panels, flight controls and how he landed this and that plane; where he went to school, yawn, yawn, yawn. I think what really made me squint was when he repeatedly said he’d pick me up in his nice “going to church on Sunday” car. He knew I went to church and I guess thought that impressed me. He meant well. 

That was the last guy I dated for about seven years. It was during those seven years that the Lord invaded my heart responding to all my needy cries for help. I joined an in-depth ladies Bible study, got more involved in church and spent a lot of time with close friends.

I do confess I tried a couple of online dating sites. I had my eye on a couple of men from church. I found contentment with the Lord, though, I never knew possible. Jesus became my perfect guy. He had me at “Your Maker is your Husband….” and all the rest of Isaiah 54. 

Seven more years passed until I dated a guy seriously which I mentioned in my prior post about divorce and remarriage. It ended sadly. I was done with men.

Then another seven years passed before I met and married my 2^nd husband.

My dating experiences produced the following 4 suggestions I make to anyone contemplating single-parent dating.

1. Do yourself and your kids a favor and don't think about dating before healing. Give yourself a year for every five you were married. Attend a Divorce Care class. Join Celebrate Recovery. Cultivate your relationship with God first. 
2. Be needy with the Lord, not with ANY man. 
3. If you want to attract a deeply committed Christian man, become a deeply committed Christian woman. 
4.  Focus on growing in your own interests, gifts and talents God has given you, instead of the wooing of a man's gifts and
   
   talents. Devote your time to serving God. Then lo and behold, when you least expect it….

If you follow these four simple suggestions, you’ll save yourself a ton of embarrassment, frustration and hurt or worse.

Stay tuned for my story on how I met my husband. He was worth the 19-year wait!

Terri

Monday Marker: Divorce and Remariage Part 2

Today I’m continuing from last Monday's post about a sensitive topic among single parents; remarriage after divorce.

Divorce has different levels of impact on different people. For some it's very traumatic, others, not so much. Some do not want a divorce, others can't get out of the marriage fast enough.

Whatever the case, if there isn't enough time allowed to heal, the baggage will be carried into the next relationship or marriage.

Even if we think we've healed or think we really don't have anything to heal from, that’s a state of denial.

It was ten years after my divorce before I entered into a serious dating relationship. I was over my ex- husband, had healed from the betrayal, hurt and issues with trust (or so I thought).

Our relationship began as a friendship and blossomed into a romance. We were involved in church together and had many supportive friends. We both had a strong relationship with the Lord. He was a great guy, wonderful father and served God with sincerity and zeal.

All our friends were ecstatic when we "finally" got together. I was sure he was the one. He'd been divorced for several years and his ex-wife had remarried. My ex-husband had also remarried.

We were in a bubble of love, romance and chemistry like I'd never known before. 

My past hurts and hang-ups quickly surfaced like a rising river after a flood. I started drowning in insecurities, fears and doubts. I became dependent on our relationship more than I was on God. Even after 10 years of growing with the Lord and enjoying the depth of my relationship with Him, I lost my head in this relationship.

Our little bubble popped, and it all came to a crashing halt after only five months of dating. I put this man on the front burner of my priorities and God was placed on the back burner.

It was a painful break up. I was devastated. It took me a long time to get over it, but I learned many priceless lessons from that relationship.

When we're looking to God's word, the Bible, for answers when facing divorce, we don't always find what we want to hear. There is a reason why God makes allowances for divorce, but there are reasons for the few exceptions. It's not because He wants us to be alone or wants to restrict us from happiness. It's for our protection. I'll say that again. It’s for our protection.

Even when conditions are favorable for remarriage, it’s still going to be hard. Blended families, step kids, unmet expectations, child support to still be paid and compromising more than you'd ever thought you'd do in a lifetime.

It's hard being single. I get that. It's equally hard to be married. Too many times we enter marriage assuming it's the answer to our problems. We enter marriages thinking about what (I'm, I, me, myself) going to get out of it.

If you’re considering remarriage, I strongly encourage viewing this fabulous iMarriage video series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-Z-WeQkYKk 

A close friend recently said, "You haven't truly loved someone until you've had the opportunity to dislike or even hate them.” All new relationships begin with the oozing of love and butterflies in the stomach. Real love kicks in when the initial chemistry fades into the road of life and love becomes action.

In a Christ-centered marriage, it is all about the other person's needs. They are our first ministry.

I'm not an expert at all. I've only been remarried for seven years. We've had ups and downs, issues with grown kids and unmet expectations. What I can say from learning to be a wife again, my greatest desire must be to please Jesus Christ first if I want my marriage to succeed. 

Finally, God is a God of second chances. His grace is endless. He hates divorce and the tearing apart of families. But nowhere in His word have I found that divorce and remarriage is an unpardonable sin.

I’d love to hear about your personal experience or opinion on this subject in the comment area below.

Blessings,

Terri

Monday Marker: Divorce and Remarriage: Part 1

Today’s post is on a touchy subject I’m sure none of us thought we’d have to deal with. Divorce and remarriage. It was certainly not in my thoughts with my first marriage, until I went through a divorce.

It’s impossible to cover this subject in one post, so I’ve divided it into two parts. Today I’m touching on remarriage after divorce and what God has to say about it, plus sharing a little about my personal experience.

So what about remarriage after divorce? When I was divorced 25+ years ago, that was my burning question. I was young (28), and didn’t want to be single, much less a single mom. This was not in my plans.

It bothered me what God’s word had to say about it. You know, all those verses about whoever divorces their wife and marries another…and whoever marries her who is divorced causes her to commit adultery. Matthew 5:32 and Luke 16:18.

When we’re wounded from divorce, we think someone new will fix our hurts. I’ve seen many divorced, single parents quickly remarry someone else with ideas that the next marriage will fix all their problems. 

The experts say to allow at least one year of healing for every five years you were married. And that’s not one year before remarrying, but one year before jumping into another relationship.

There’s baggage that comes in and out of marriages, along with consequences to varying degrees, not to mention all the children being dragged through it all.

I didn’t want my divorce. He was unfaithful. I believed in God’s power to heal my marriage and would’ve taken him back. But, we have free will and he made his choices.

A couple of years after our divorce, it looked like God was moving us in the direction of reconciliation. My hopes were up. Then BAM! My ex-husband made his choice again, permanently closing that door.

I counseled with a pastor of a large church. He told me I was bound to my ex-husband until one of us dies. Period. Even if he remarried. I left that meeting feeling hopeless with D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D, OFF LIMITS stamped across my forehead.

Before my divorce, God had already answered me about this subject when I cried out to Him for answers. He walked me through Matthew 5:32. “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” NIV

I was not bound to my ex-husband because of his affairs. There are some who’d disagree. I know it didn’t mean I was to go out searching for a boyfriend or another husband. Rebound relationships are disastrous. I won’t lie. I was open to it, longed for it at times and struggled with loneliness.

That pastor showed little compassion that day. By the time I got to my car I was in tears. Then God spoke to me the way a father would to his daughter’s broken heart. The words were something like this: “You and I have already settled this. What did I say to you already?” God’s word that He’d already spoken to me personally trumped that pastor’s counseling advice.

I spent the next 17 years as a single mom. It wasn’t necessarily by choice, but God knew best and I’m VERY thankful.

What if a divorce isn’t because of unfaithfulness? What if a couple “falls out of love” or just no longer wants to be married to each other? Does this mean if they remarry someone else they’re now an adulteress or adulterer?

In the case of abuse, that’s a different subject for another day.

In our society we move from marriage to marriage like we do jobs and homes. God designed marriage to be “until death do us part.”  But what about affairs or if they want to leave? Unless there’s repentance and both parties want healing and restoration, there’s nothing we can do to make them stay. In 1 Corinthians 7:15 we read, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace” NIV.

Search the scriptures for yourself and pour your heart out to God. He won't mislead you, but will direct your path into His best plan. 

I caution anyone considering divorce and possibly remarrying someone else later, unless there’s abuse, adultery or they choose to leave. I’ll share about that in Part 2 next Monday.

Until then, whatever your situation is today, know that God is a gracious, merciful Father who loves you the way no one else can or ever will.

May his rich blessings overflow to you,

Terri