Loving Away From Perfect

Welcome everyone to today's Monday Marker! 

I'm excited to introduce to you my friend and writing

comrade, Julie Ann Dibble, MA. Julie is a Christian speaker and author currently residing in Central PA, with her husband, Jason and their sons, Braedon and Jackson.

Her walk with Jesus began in her 40's, which she is forever grateful.

Answering His call, Julie speaks and writes to the following groups: police wives, those with depression, women who are hard on themselves, and those who live without the Light of Jesus.

Julie will launch her website in 2016. You can connect with Julie in the following ways:

Email: peece4fmly@gmail.com
Facebook: http://www.Facebook.com/JulieAnnDibble
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/@julie_dibble
Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/jayjule03

I know you're going to be blessed by what she shares with us today.

Here's Julie!
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Have you ever been planning to meet someone for coffee, and after you decide on a date and time, the other person exclaims, “Perfect!” Or maybe you were teaching your child to tie his shoes for weeks on end, and one day he comes out with two tightly tied bows. With a huge smile and hug, you tell him you have never seen such perfectly tied shoes before.

Perfect is a fairly common word, and by itself it means having no mistakes or flaws (www.merriam-webster.com).

That little word with huge implications became toxic in my family. Crushed dreams, grave disappointments and criticism seeping in and over words, tainting feelings of safety, love, belonging…

I was determined to avoid dysfunction. My education, stubborn independence and past depression was a combustible combination. We have two boys, and when they were between the ages of two and six, they did not have much to say in how their day went.

When one is parenting within normal limits, children that age are not supposed to have full say. But the perfectionism embedded in my heart took harrowing turns away from love-centered interactions.

I was very critical of our boys, my husband and myself. I was selfish and prideful, feeling like my ideas were the best about how to use our time or how to manage the household. Inevitably, someone would challenge me. I yelled. I yelled a lot.

Perfectionism is a vicious, endless cycle because achieving unrealistic goals [like wanting toddlers to obey 100% of the time] is impossible. The cycle in my soul looked something Iike this:

• I would harshly condemn myself for yelling: Satan would reinforce my guilt and shame by telling me I should know better. 
• I would question my ability as a mother when I struggled to have energy to parent: Satan would tell me I was nothing, that I should have never brought children into this world. 
• I wanted to run and hide for not giving my family the best of me: Satan would point out how I was loving toward others but that I failed to be loving to my own family. 

I was trapped in a world of the enemy’s lies. Depression ran deep in my veins, and I could see no way out.

Brene Brown is a researcher who studies shame and vulnerability. She verifies there is a high incidence of depression associated with perfectionism. The antidote to this cycle she proposes is compassion to

self. Most of us find it easier to be kind to others than to ourselves. Why is that? Ms. Brown admits she needs to be intentional about self-compassion: it is contrary to her past perfectionist patterns. [The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown]

Thankful and bowing, I met Jesus in my 40’s. Growing up, I only had ever heard his name when my ornery grandmother would swear. I had no idea Jesus and God were one in the same until I asked our pastor one day: “Ok what’s the deal? I pray to God but everybody here is talking about Jesus”.

God has been graciously revealing my sinful nature

and His awesome power. When I learned how Jesus obediently walked to his slow death for all of us, I was overwhelmed with gratefulness. I was embarrassed that I had been complaining about my life, as it was clearly a gift from God. Most of all, though, I began to truly feel the love that God pours on each and every one of us.

I had never felt anything like that before.

It was pure acceptance.

It was the loudest love.
It was the release of burdens I had carried for countless years.

I cannot tell you my perfectionism coupled with criticism of self and others disappeared instantly.

What I can tell you is that the Light of Jesus is so powerful that it extinguished the darkness that had stolen my soul. Standing in His love and grace….. imagining it washing over me……yes! Love I had never felt before absorbing the scars and stains of Satan.

I remember telling one of my dear friends that I want to find a way to free women from guilt….that self-reproach, the self-abuse. God heard me that day.

I will continue to blog about my journey with Jesus. I will write a book about perfectionism and its death-grip on relationships. To any individual or group that wants to listen, I will speak about the most powerful love that exists on this Earth.

My prayer for you today is this:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Jesus, I pray Your tender hands will

turn these beautiful faces to You. 

Please open their hearts to receive 

all the goodness and love you have 

to lavish. Please use Your still small 

voice to tell these lovely women 

that they are amazing individuals who 

can be free from the sneaky self-trap 

of guilt. Jesus, I know if they hold 

your hand and walk with you…

the chains dissolve and lose their meaning. 

In your way and according to Your will, 

Lord, reveal yourself to each reader today. 

In His Holy name, Amen

Eight Things to Ease Mood Swings

If you’re female, you already know this uninvited, unannounced intruder all too well. It shows up without notice and can wreck any day.

The Bad Mood

On the flip side, these are welcomed with open arms and will turn a bad day into a good day.

The Good Mood.

Whichever one shows up, they no doubt will swing you high, soaring up to the sky, only to change abruptly by going in the opposite direction, swinging you backwards, where you can only see down.

Mood Swings.

Don’t you just hate them?

They force their way in on the playground of life, and are as unpredictable and apt to change as the weather.

Our poor hormones get the blame for all the bad and ugly moods.

It’s not realistic to expect to always be in a good mood or feel happy. It won’t last long before the swing shifts or circumstances, whether physical or otherwise, push the mood swing in a direction not of your choosing. 

I’m not a mood expert, but I do have a few tips and tools that help me control the wild swinging back and forth and enjoy mood stability.

• Accept your hormones. Since we know our hormones have physical and mental ramifications, being aware of your body’s cycle is key. Knowing roughly when the time is coming that you'll feel like chewing nails and spitting them out, can help offset the intensity of it. (For more severe physical and mental issues affected by shifting hormones, you should see your family physician).
• Control. Mood swings can control your life if you think you have control over others. Are your moods controlled by others’ choices and behavior? Accept that the only control you have over anything, is how you react.
• If you’re generally feeling blah and blue, what usually helps me is a slight change or interruption in my schedule. When possible I take an afternoon or morning off. O-F-F. From everything; including social media and ringing cell phones. Then I replace it with something that relaxes me. Light exercise or anything outside usually works since I’m cooped up in an office most of the time. Once I told my boss I was taking the next day off, and didn’t tell anyone else. The next morning I grabbed my Bible and journal and drove to a nearby state park and enjoyed a day alone with God.
• Daily, quiet solitude with the Lord. Read your Bible, journal, prayerfully seek Him, with one purpose in mind: to know Him. This is a non-negotiable for me because I need it that badly.
• Gratitude. I’ve always considered myself a girl who thinks
  
  of the glass being half full instead of half empty. Lately, I confess it’s been the other way around. When I think negative thoughts I feel negative, hence, bad mood. When I look around at all God has given (the simple things), I can’t help but be in a good mood. It’s okay to be thankful for material things (and I am), but focus on being thankful for the simple things we take for granted.
• Food. Junk food equals bad mood. Healthier food equals good mood. Be diligent in what you feed your body. Did you know certain foods exacerbate depression, pre-menstrual and menopausal symptoms? For your health’s sake and moodiness, get proactive.
• Sleep. This is a biggie for me since I’ve struggled with insomnia in my menopausal years. It has gotten better with the use of essential oils versus over-the-counter and prescription drugs. Research also shows that the glow from mobile devices (phones, tablets, laptops) before bedtime interrupt sleep patterns. Allow at least 6-8 hours of sleep time. 
• Friends and accountability support can NEVER be over
  
  rated. I shudder to think where I’d be without my girlfriends! Building trusted friendships can save you a fortune in counseling fees. 

As a bonus I have one more tip to share. This is very important! 

BONUS: You have gifts and talents that are meant to be tapped into and used. When you do this, you’ll find fulfillment that may be missing, and explain some of your mood swings. Mine is writing. What’s yours?

Feel free to add some tips and tools in the comment area below that help you level out your mood swings.

Until next Monday, I encourage you to stay the course,

Terri

Am I Ready for Remarriage?

When I tell someone how long I was a single mom, their expression is one of hopelessness, thinking something like,

I can't wait that long! 

Or

I’d never survive being single that long.

Or
if God makes me wait that long 
for the man of my dreams I’ll be too old.

The experts say that for every five years you were married, it takes one to heal. Example: If you were married 15 years, then you should allow at least three to heal. This also applies if your split up was amicable or you were the one who left.

God hates divorce because of the damaging ripple effects for the rest of your life and the innocent children who get caught in the aftermath. I can personally attest to that fact.

But our God is a redeeming, healing God of second chances. I can attest to that FACT too.

All through my 30’s I was sure by age 40 I’d be remarried. I had a few crushes and one serious boyfriend. He was a wonderful Christian guy and I was sure THE ONE and sure I was ready to remarry. We both had our own baggage full of issues and that bubble burst quickly and the relationship ended.

Some said I was too picky. Really? How can you be too picky about someone you’re thinking of spending the rest of your life with, then adding the complications that come with blended families? Even if the kids are grown!

Throughout my 19 years as a single mom, I went through seasons of distrusting ALL men to longing for the attention, affection and companionship of a man. I prayed. I looked. I even dabbled in the Internet dating sites when they first came on the scene.

Those years that God kept me single, were some of the hardest times of my life, but they were some of the BEST times too. The Lord Almighty became my Husband, constant companion, my peace, comforter, provider and safe refuge. 

Towards the end of my single-parenthood (before I met my current husband), God caused Proverbs 12:4 to jump off the pages of my Bible one day.

A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, 

but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones. (NIV)

I had observed many marriages over the years and witnessed the noble wife and the disgraceful wife. I vowed that if God brought another husband into my life, I would be his crown and strive to bring him goodness the rest of his days. A lot easier said than done.

Sixteen years after my divorce, I went through Divorce Care, a 12-week course for healing from divorce. For more info go to: http://www.divorcecare.org/. Churches worldwide host this program and you should be able to find one near you. I strongly recommend it.

I became a facilitator after completing the program and one of my classmates (a guy) assisted when needed with male participants. We both showed up in a Sunday school class and started hanging out with the same group of people.

Our eight-month friendship grew into a dating relationship. There were no pretenses with him or me trying to figure out how I should act with him; none of the macho, look-at-me, aren’t-I’m-impressive mysteries to sort through. We were in our mid 40's and didn’t have time for such foolishness. 

During the two years from our first official date to the big I DO, we had two breakups, several months of counseling, then pre-marriage counseling. We watched a video series developed by Andy Stanley, called 'i Marriage'. If you think you're ready for remarriage, please watch this series! It's available everywhere you can purchase books and media.

Our first year of marriage was full of great times, mixed with lots of issues and unmet expectations on both our parts.

Ladies, it's hard being single. And it's hard being married.

In the nearly nine years since our wedding, I've learned a lot about myself. Mostly that I can be a moody, selfish individual, easily irritated, imposing unrealistic expectations on my husband. 

Over the years Proverbs 12:4 hung out in the bottom of my heart and back of my mind. My husband had female decay residue in his bones, and it was never my intent to add to it.

I wanted to be a noble wife, but didn't have the power to carry it out. I wanted to support him, encourage him, and build him up, not tear him down.

If it were not for both our committments, first to God, then to each other, constantly working on our issues, chances are we wouldn't still be married. 

If you want to know if you're ready for remarriage, ask yourself these questions:

• Am I ready to set aside my needs and put him first above all others, including my kids? (except Jesus, of course)
• Am I prepared to let go of certain expectations and love him unconditionally?
• Have I dealt with issues and healed from my previous marriage or relationships and not just put a bandaid over it?
  
• Are we both fully committed to each other, even after the honeymoon ends and the real love work begins?
• Am I ready and prepared to be the little "i" in the iMarriage and not the I DO, thinking it's now going to be all about me and my wants, needs and desires? 

It doesn't matter how wonderful you think a man is, he can't meet all your needs, wants and desires. Only God, through a personal relationship in Jesus Christ can do that. 

But what am I supposed to do while I wait?

I'm so glad you asked.

• Take advantage of that time by sincerely working on you. Become that noble woman who exhibits the qualities you'd like to have in a mate. 
• Serve God with the gifts and talents He's given you and become His first, before belonging to any man. 
• Live now! Expel the thinking that life only begins when you "have" someone. 

Then when you least expect it, perhaps God will open that 2nd-chance door in the last place you would ever expect. 

For me...I'm a work in progress and staying the course,

Terri

What Are You Wearing Today?

What did you put on this morning when you got up?

A uniform? Business clothes? Jeans? Are you dressy, casual or still in your pajamas?

Are you wearing earrings? Necklace? Bracelets? And what kind of shoes are you wearing?

I'm sure how you're dressed is determined by where you’re going or what’s on today’s agenda.

When we get dressed, we are careful to choose clothes based on how we want to look, along with style and comfort. 

Maybe we dress to hide what's really "hidden" or underneath.

We also dress in "invisible" clothes that we're unaware of. We wear them every day. These “invisible” clothes affect everything we say and do far more than we think. Truth is, they're not so invisible.

One day, not very long ago, I asked a single mom who was homeless, this question:

How is it that, what you’ve been through and currently going through, you’re so positive, energetic and hopeful? Sitting there with her, one could not see a hint of her current circumstances.

I’ll never forget what her answer was:

               I just don’t wear it.

Her answer stunned me for a few seconds, then I got it.

I was part of a panel of interviewers, discussing her entrance into a resident ministry for single moms.

Her children were well dressed and well behaved. She didn’t let them “wear” their circumstances either.

I was convicted. Not guilt-ridden, but gently convicted by the Lord.

I thought about when I was a single mom and how I put on my struggles, hardships and disappointments every day, wearing them everywhere I went.

I dressed myself in shame, financial burdens, victimization and rejection. I walked in shoes of fear and anger, depending on what day it was.

Those years have passed for me, but those five little words made me realize I still wore a lot of the same old “clothes”.

I love wearing something new. Don’t you? How do you feel when you put on a new dress or outfit?

I wonder what would happen if we simply changed our invisible clothing, one piece at a time. How do you think it would begin to affect our outward circumstances (and appearance)?

Here's a few:

 “…and provide for those who grieve in Zion – 

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 

the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise 

instead of a spirit of despair. Isaiah 61:3

LAYER ON

I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. 

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation 

and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, 

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10

AND

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled 

around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness 

in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness 

that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, 

take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish 

all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the 

helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, 

which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:4-17

ACCESSORIZE WITH

Your statutes, Lord, stand firm; holiness adorns 

your house for endless days. Psalm 93:5

AND

She is clothed with strength and dignity; 

she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25

I know. You might be thinking it’s much easier said, than done. I get that.  

That’s why we must go from just saying it, to doing it. Piece by piece, day by day. Or hey, just go on an all-out spree and get a whole new wardrobe at once.

The best part is…IT’S ALL FREE!

My daughter once said, “you dress for the job you want, not the one you have.” (Unless you already have the job you want)

Maybe if we “dressed” for the circumstances we want, not the ones we’re in, what would happen?

Here’s a summary of what we could be wearing from our new wardrobe:

Crown of beauty

Oil of joy

Garments of praise and salvation

Robe of righteousness

Belt of truth

Breastplate of righteousness

Shoes from the gospel of peace

Shield of faith

Helmet of salvation

Sword of the Spirit (God's Word)

Holiness

Strength

Dignity

These are just a few. Maybe you can add some in the comments area below that I’ve left out.

I’m updating my current wardrobe. Won’t you join me? 

Staying the course,

Terri