Monday Marker: Single-Parent Dating

Dating while being a single parent can be risky and frustrating.

For never-married single parents the adjustment from marriage to singleness might not be an issue, but juggling parenthood with singleness can feel like mixing oil and water.

For the newly divorced or widowed, being single again causes a myriad of emotions, expectations and fears.

Whatever your case is, dating can feel like walking across a suspended rope bridge over the Grand Canyon.

I was a single mom for 19 years and encountered numerous dating mishaps I’d like to share. Hopefully you can avoid some of these pitfalls and learn from my experiences.

The first man who showed interest in me following my separation and discovery of my husband’s infidelity, was at my new job. He was smart, nice, sweet, never married. I only agreed to lunches and a couple of Saturday outings “as friends.” Before long he wanted more. “I’m still married” meant nothing to him. “I still love my husband,” didn’t phase him. I was glad to quit that job to work from home as a legal transcriptionist and “shake” him off. He lived 45 minutes away. I never gave him my address or phone number. One day he showed up at my house after driving around my town looking for me. Crreeeepy. I finally wrote him a letter bluntly asking him to leave me alone.

A year later, the next man I had anything to do with was when I became my well-meaning neighbor’s next fixer-upper project. Her guy friend was newly divorced. My kids and I went to his house for a pleasant steak dinner. The following week he called me every day wanting to “fall in love.” Soon after, I had to go to court concerning an issue with my ex-husband. Guess who was there for his divorce? Yep, he’d lied. And he had the same attorney I did!

The next guy was a friend from church, a nice Christian guy who’d been divorced for a while. We were drawn to each other having both experienced the same types of problems in our marriages.

Red flag! 

I didn't allow enough time to heal. I was needy. We were on-again, off-again for two years. He said the “L” word. I didn’t love him and I knew he didn't really love me. We eventually drifted apart.

I went out a few times with a pilot, five years younger than me. I know what you’re thinking…great catch! Our dates consisted mostly of him talking about flight panels, flight controls and how he landed this and that plane; where he went to school, yawn, yawn, yawn. I think what really made me squint was when he repeatedly said he’d pick me up in his nice “going to church on Sunday” car. He knew I went to church and I guess thought that impressed me. He meant well. 

That was the last guy I dated for about seven years. It was during those seven years that the Lord invaded my heart responding to all my needy cries for help. I joined an in-depth ladies Bible study, got more involved in church and spent a lot of time with close friends.

I do confess I tried a couple of online dating sites. I had my eye on a couple of men from church. I found contentment with the Lord, though, I never knew possible. Jesus became my perfect guy. He had me at “Your Maker is your Husband….” and all the rest of Isaiah 54. 

Seven more years passed until I dated a guy seriously which I mentioned in my prior post about divorce and remarriage. It ended sadly. I was done with men.

Then another seven years passed before I met and married my 2^nd husband.

My dating experiences produced the following 4 suggestions I make to anyone contemplating single-parent dating.

1. Do yourself and your kids a favor and don't think about dating before healing. Give yourself a year for every five you were married. Attend a Divorce Care class. Join Celebrate Recovery. Cultivate your relationship with God first. 
2. Be needy with the Lord, not with ANY man. 
3. If you want to attract a deeply committed Christian man, become a deeply committed Christian woman. 
4.  Focus on growing in your own interests, gifts and talents God has given you, instead of the wooing of a man's gifts and
   
   talents. Devote your time to serving God. Then lo and behold, when you least expect it….

If you follow these four simple suggestions, you’ll save yourself a ton of embarrassment, frustration and hurt or worse.

Stay tuned for my story on how I met my husband. He was worth the 19-year wait!

Terri