Cheap Fun

Let’s face it.

When the weekend comes, you’re ready to stall out and have some down time. Not so with the kids. They’re wanting to go here, there, anywhere but stay home. You hear things like “I’m bored, mom,”

or “Can we go do something?” The only thing on your mind is what it’s going to cost you in money, time or energy. 

I remember barely getting in the door on Friday evenings after a long work week, sitting in traffic, picking up the kids, running errands and finally getting home. The LAST thing I wanted to do was get back in the car. Plus I was always thinking about conserving my gas. I was tired of counting out change for gas just before payday.

Being a mom is exhausting, isn’t it? Being a single mom is…well, it’s hard to describe. It’s easy to become buried under everything that falls on your shoulders. Weekends are catch-up days. There’s laundry, grass to cut, bills to pay, grocery shopping, bathrooms to clean, the car needs an oil change, new brakes or something around the house needs fixing.

The list never ends, does it?

Any head nods out there?

Where does fun fit in? How do you budget money, energy and time for fun?

Fun is as necessary as rest. Too much seriousness and sticking to the schedule can be suffocating for all of you.

When Fridays rolled around and it was my weekend with the kids, I already knew my to-do list was getting tossed. If the laundry didn’t make it out of the dryer, at least the clothes were clean. The dust that had settled on the furniture could stay a few more days. Grass cutting could be done in small blocks of time. If the neighbors didn’t like it, they’d get over it.

Flexibility is your friend.

Now for the fun part. Below is a list of seven things I used to plan with my kids. They were five years apart, boy and girl, so we had to be creative.  It’s easier when they’re younger, under 10. Once they’re a preteen and teenager you have to change things up, but the truth is they really just need time with you minus all the stress, chores and to-do lists.

1. Movie and popcorn night (Friday or Saturday) We had
   
   Blockbusters, but these days it’s Redbox and Netflix.
2. Nice weather? Pack a picnic basket and small drink cooler and head out to the nearest State Park ($5). When I didn’t have $5, we’d just go to a free park with picnic tables and hang out, eat and play.
3. Windy weather? Go fly a kite. Don’t spend money on one,
   
   make one. In my day it was with newspaper and ripped pillow cases. Today you’ve got Pinterest and Google for ideas. Go to a nearby unoccupied soccer field. Bring your picnic with you.
4. Summertime? If you have access to a pool
   
   or lake (once we lived in an apartment complex), have a swim day and cook out. I made a big deal out of cooking out with charcoal and making burgers with all the trimmings. Eat outside on the patio. No patio? Spread a quilt.
5. Nasty weather? Have a bake off; brownies, cookies, or whatever they like. Sometimes we had Thanksgiving for dinner with a cheap roasting chicken and all the trimmings. Let them help with the prep. Before you know it, hours have passed and you have a
   
   Thanksgiving meal with leftovers.
6. Invite another single-mom family over. Cook together, play games or just hang out.
7. Go to local festivals, community yard sales, and other free events in your town.

These are just a few things, but the jest of it is the time factor. Your kids will be happier and enjoy a sense of security with relaxed, uncomplicated fun with mom.

You’ll also find you have the energy later to then tackle laundry, cleaning and yard work.

Feel free to share your suggestions for cheap and free fun in the comments section below.

Have fun,

Terri

Monday Marker: Single-Parent Dating

Dating while being a single parent can be risky and frustrating.

For never-married single parents the adjustment from marriage to singleness might not be an issue, but juggling parenthood with singleness can feel like mixing oil and water.

For the newly divorced or widowed, being single again causes a myriad of emotions, expectations and fears.

Whatever your case is, dating can feel like walking across a suspended rope bridge over the Grand Canyon.

I was a single mom for 19 years and encountered numerous dating mishaps I’d like to share. Hopefully you can avoid some of these pitfalls and learn from my experiences.

The first man who showed interest in me following my separation and discovery of my husband’s infidelity, was at my new job. He was smart, nice, sweet, never married. I only agreed to lunches and a couple of Saturday outings “as friends.” Before long he wanted more. “I’m still married” meant nothing to him. “I still love my husband,” didn’t phase him. I was glad to quit that job to work from home as a legal transcriptionist and “shake” him off. He lived 45 minutes away. I never gave him my address or phone number. One day he showed up at my house after driving around my town looking for me. Crreeeepy. I finally wrote him a letter bluntly asking him to leave me alone.

A year later, the next man I had anything to do with was when I became my well-meaning neighbor’s next fixer-upper project. Her guy friend was newly divorced. My kids and I went to his house for a pleasant steak dinner. The following week he called me every day wanting to “fall in love.” Soon after, I had to go to court concerning an issue with my ex-husband. Guess who was there for his divorce? Yep, he’d lied. And he had the same attorney I did!

The next guy was a friend from church, a nice Christian guy who’d been divorced for a while. We were drawn to each other having both experienced the same types of problems in our marriages.

Red flag! 

I didn't allow enough time to heal. I was needy. We were on-again, off-again for two years. He said the “L” word. I didn’t love him and I knew he didn't really love me. We eventually drifted apart.

I went out a few times with a pilot, five years younger than me. I know what you’re thinking…great catch! Our dates consisted mostly of him talking about flight panels, flight controls and how he landed this and that plane; where he went to school, yawn, yawn, yawn. I think what really made me squint was when he repeatedly said he’d pick me up in his nice “going to church on Sunday” car. He knew I went to church and I guess thought that impressed me. He meant well. 

That was the last guy I dated for about seven years. It was during those seven years that the Lord invaded my heart responding to all my needy cries for help. I joined an in-depth ladies Bible study, got more involved in church and spent a lot of time with close friends.

I do confess I tried a couple of online dating sites. I had my eye on a couple of men from church. I found contentment with the Lord, though, I never knew possible. Jesus became my perfect guy. He had me at “Your Maker is your Husband….” and all the rest of Isaiah 54. 

Seven more years passed until I dated a guy seriously which I mentioned in my prior post about divorce and remarriage. It ended sadly. I was done with men.

Then another seven years passed before I met and married my 2^nd husband.

My dating experiences produced the following 4 suggestions I make to anyone contemplating single-parent dating.

1. Do yourself and your kids a favor and don't think about dating before healing. Give yourself a year for every five you were married. Attend a Divorce Care class. Join Celebrate Recovery. Cultivate your relationship with God first. 
2. Be needy with the Lord, not with ANY man. 
3. If you want to attract a deeply committed Christian man, become a deeply committed Christian woman. 
4.  Focus on growing in your own interests, gifts and talents God has given you, instead of the wooing of a man's gifts and
   
   talents. Devote your time to serving God. Then lo and behold, when you least expect it….

If you follow these four simple suggestions, you’ll save yourself a ton of embarrassment, frustration and hurt or worse.

Stay tuned for my story on how I met my husband. He was worth the 19-year wait!

Terri

Monday Marker: Divorce and Remariage Part 2

Today I’m continuing from last Monday's post about a sensitive topic among single parents; remarriage after divorce.

Divorce has different levels of impact on different people. For some it's very traumatic, others, not so much. Some do not want a divorce, others can't get out of the marriage fast enough.

Whatever the case, if there isn't enough time allowed to heal, the baggage will be carried into the next relationship or marriage.

Even if we think we've healed or think we really don't have anything to heal from, that’s a state of denial.

It was ten years after my divorce before I entered into a serious dating relationship. I was over my ex- husband, had healed from the betrayal, hurt and issues with trust (or so I thought).

Our relationship began as a friendship and blossomed into a romance. We were involved in church together and had many supportive friends. We both had a strong relationship with the Lord. He was a great guy, wonderful father and served God with sincerity and zeal.

All our friends were ecstatic when we "finally" got together. I was sure he was the one. He'd been divorced for several years and his ex-wife had remarried. My ex-husband had also remarried.

We were in a bubble of love, romance and chemistry like I'd never known before. 

My past hurts and hang-ups quickly surfaced like a rising river after a flood. I started drowning in insecurities, fears and doubts. I became dependent on our relationship more than I was on God. Even after 10 years of growing with the Lord and enjoying the depth of my relationship with Him, I lost my head in this relationship.

Our little bubble popped, and it all came to a crashing halt after only five months of dating. I put this man on the front burner of my priorities and God was placed on the back burner.

It was a painful break up. I was devastated. It took me a long time to get over it, but I learned many priceless lessons from that relationship.

When we're looking to God's word, the Bible, for answers when facing divorce, we don't always find what we want to hear. There is a reason why God makes allowances for divorce, but there are reasons for the few exceptions. It's not because He wants us to be alone or wants to restrict us from happiness. It's for our protection. I'll say that again. It’s for our protection.

Even when conditions are favorable for remarriage, it’s still going to be hard. Blended families, step kids, unmet expectations, child support to still be paid and compromising more than you'd ever thought you'd do in a lifetime.

It's hard being single. I get that. It's equally hard to be married. Too many times we enter marriage assuming it's the answer to our problems. We enter marriages thinking about what (I'm, I, me, myself) going to get out of it.

If you’re considering remarriage, I strongly encourage viewing this fabulous iMarriage video series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-Z-WeQkYKk 

A close friend recently said, "You haven't truly loved someone until you've had the opportunity to dislike or even hate them.” All new relationships begin with the oozing of love and butterflies in the stomach. Real love kicks in when the initial chemistry fades into the road of life and love becomes action.

In a Christ-centered marriage, it is all about the other person's needs. They are our first ministry.

I'm not an expert at all. I've only been remarried for seven years. We've had ups and downs, issues with grown kids and unmet expectations. What I can say from learning to be a wife again, my greatest desire must be to please Jesus Christ first if I want my marriage to succeed. 

Finally, God is a God of second chances. His grace is endless. He hates divorce and the tearing apart of families. But nowhere in His word have I found that divorce and remarriage is an unpardonable sin.

I’d love to hear about your personal experience or opinion on this subject in the comment area below.

Blessings,

Terri

Monday Marker: Divorce and Remarriage: Part 1

Today’s post is on a touchy subject I’m sure none of us thought we’d have to deal with. Divorce and remarriage. It was certainly not in my thoughts with my first marriage, until I went through a divorce.

It’s impossible to cover this subject in one post, so I’ve divided it into two parts. Today I’m touching on remarriage after divorce and what God has to say about it, plus sharing a little about my personal experience.

So what about remarriage after divorce? When I was divorced 25+ years ago, that was my burning question. I was young (28), and didn’t want to be single, much less a single mom. This was not in my plans.

It bothered me what God’s word had to say about it. You know, all those verses about whoever divorces their wife and marries another…and whoever marries her who is divorced causes her to commit adultery. Matthew 5:32 and Luke 16:18.

When we’re wounded from divorce, we think someone new will fix our hurts. I’ve seen many divorced, single parents quickly remarry someone else with ideas that the next marriage will fix all their problems. 

The experts say to allow at least one year of healing for every five years you were married. And that’s not one year before remarrying, but one year before jumping into another relationship.

There’s baggage that comes in and out of marriages, along with consequences to varying degrees, not to mention all the children being dragged through it all.

I didn’t want my divorce. He was unfaithful. I believed in God’s power to heal my marriage and would’ve taken him back. But, we have free will and he made his choices.

A couple of years after our divorce, it looked like God was moving us in the direction of reconciliation. My hopes were up. Then BAM! My ex-husband made his choice again, permanently closing that door.

I counseled with a pastor of a large church. He told me I was bound to my ex-husband until one of us dies. Period. Even if he remarried. I left that meeting feeling hopeless with D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D, OFF LIMITS stamped across my forehead.

Before my divorce, God had already answered me about this subject when I cried out to Him for answers. He walked me through Matthew 5:32. “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” NIV

I was not bound to my ex-husband because of his affairs. There are some who’d disagree. I know it didn’t mean I was to go out searching for a boyfriend or another husband. Rebound relationships are disastrous. I won’t lie. I was open to it, longed for it at times and struggled with loneliness.

That pastor showed little compassion that day. By the time I got to my car I was in tears. Then God spoke to me the way a father would to his daughter’s broken heart. The words were something like this: “You and I have already settled this. What did I say to you already?” God’s word that He’d already spoken to me personally trumped that pastor’s counseling advice.

I spent the next 17 years as a single mom. It wasn’t necessarily by choice, but God knew best and I’m VERY thankful.

What if a divorce isn’t because of unfaithfulness? What if a couple “falls out of love” or just no longer wants to be married to each other? Does this mean if they remarry someone else they’re now an adulteress or adulterer?

In the case of abuse, that’s a different subject for another day.

In our society we move from marriage to marriage like we do jobs and homes. God designed marriage to be “until death do us part.”  But what about affairs or if they want to leave? Unless there’s repentance and both parties want healing and restoration, there’s nothing we can do to make them stay. In 1 Corinthians 7:15 we read, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace” NIV.

Search the scriptures for yourself and pour your heart out to God. He won't mislead you, but will direct your path into His best plan. 

I caution anyone considering divorce and possibly remarrying someone else later, unless there’s abuse, adultery or they choose to leave. I’ll share about that in Part 2 next Monday.

Until then, whatever your situation is today, know that God is a gracious, merciful Father who loves you the way no one else can or ever will.

May his rich blessings overflow to you,

Terri

Monday Marker: Don't Lose Heart

“I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!” Psalm 27:14 (NKJ).

If I didn’t believe in God’s goodness in all things… well, my hope would run dry and I would give up on God, life and humanity.

Countless times I’ve almost lost heart and wanted to give up. Countless times I’ve drawn strength from this promise. Every time, His promise was fulfilled and my heart was strengthened.

I've been guilty of mistaking God’s goodness to mean material goodness. Nice things, stuff, wants fulfilled, that perfect man to complete me.

While God gives us those good things when it’s His best for us, I believe “the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” means things NOT of this world. Things this world can never provide.

The times I’ve almost lost heart were when circumstances were unbearable. I desperately needed to see His goodness in this life and not have to wait until Heaven. “In the land of the living” was, I felt, His promise that I would see His goodness while I’m still alive.

As I write this, God’s goodness is not only poured out into my life. I see it all around.

How, you ask? How, in the midst of grieving my mom’s recent death? How, when I haven’t seen my son in 5 years and don’t know where he is? How, when I spent 19 years as a single mom following unimaginable betrayal and divorce? How, with the state that our country and world is in?

While this may be my reality, God’s goodness of peace, real joy, contentment and comfort not only has matched each of my circumstances, but has gone exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ask or think.

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen” Ephesians 3:20-21 (NKJ). 

There is no earthly comfort…NONE…that can match the deep and complete comfort that comes from God’s heart to one of his children. He will form a purpose from any suffering you or I will endure. He will take whatever is bad in our life and form pure goodness out of it…if we let Him.

Just ask Him. Be willing, to be willing to ask and let Him do that.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ” II Corinthians 1:3-5 (NKJ).

Whatever you need peace, comfort or to see the goodness of the Lord in today, His promises in the above passages are yours. Not partially, conditionally or half way, but fully.

A couple of weeks ago I went to collect my mom’s things from the nursing home she was in. Eighty-nine-year old Maggie, donned in her lipstick and cute hat, came to my mom’s room for their daily visit. She found me instead, packing my mom’s things and I had to tell her she’d passed away that morning.

Maggie looked straight at me and said, “God is good all the time. All the time God is good.” The conviction in her bright eyes pierced my grief, bringing comfort as she repeated this over and over to me.

The way I figure it, Maggie should know, as she has 89 years of experience in seeing God’s goodness in all things.

Will you, with me, believe that you’ll see God’s goodness in your land of living, wherever and whatever that might be? 

I welcome you to share your thoughts.

Seeing God’s goodness,

Terri

Thanksgiving Week: Press Pause

It’s Thanksgiving week. It’s kind of hard to tell with the Christmas rush already starting. The rush to get a tree, get the Christmas lights up and decorations out, and the constant ads for black Friday and Cyber Monday shopping.

Instead of Thanksgiving being celebrated on its own, it’s overshadowed by being the official beginning of Christmas shopping and the Christmas holidays or at least that’s how it seems to me.

I remember when celebrating Thanksgiving was just that; Thanksgiving.

Everywhere we go Christmas decorations have been hitting us in the face since Halloween. A couple of weeks ago I saw live Christmas trees piled up outside a grocery store. Seems crazy to me because if you buy a live tree now, it’ll be dead by Christmas Eve.

I don’t know about you, but I feel like Thanksgiving is kind of watered down, as it falls between Halloween and Christmas. I see more advertising for black Friday, Cyber Monday and people planning to camp outside the department store doors so they can be part of a shopping stampede.

As a single mom, all of this can add to the stress of trying to budget extra money just to buy a few Christmassy things for your house, much less a Christmas tree and presents.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas and celebrating Jesus' birth and life! But all the materialism and Christmas rush that's forced on us during this time is another blog post for another day. 

With that in mind, I want to focus on Thanksgiving, which can also be stressful depending on your family circumstances.

Maybe it’s your ex’s turn with the kids this Thanksgiving. Or maybe this whole time of year stirs up melancholy and bittersweet emotions.

When this time of year brings on more anxiety than thankfulness, it’s time to press our pause button temporarily. While we’re in pause mode, let’s change our focus and thoughts before pressing start again.

As a single mom, the holidays always brought conflicting emotions in me. My peace and comfort would come, though, when I’d intentionally choose to focus on things that I was thankful for. When I paused to take my focus off my heartaches, disappointments and what I didn’t have, and set my thoughts on all God had given, my entire perspective would change.

Pausing and taking the time to sit down to write out the small things we’re thankful for will help to navigate throughout the holidays with a thankful and peace-filled heart.

Here are five things we all can do right now to melt away the anxiety and stress of the holidays.

1. Schedule a time and quiet place where you can press your pause button, even if it’s just for 10 minutes.
2. Grab a notebook and pen to take with you to your quiet place.
3. Write down one thing you’re thankful for. I start with the simplest thing I might take for granted such as my health, a roof over my head, or the last meal I just ate.
4. After writing down one thing, think of something else you’re thankful for, but it can’t be anything material. An example would be, God’s grace and Jesus in your life, a blue sky to look at, the smell of fall leaves, wood burning, coffee brewing or the ability to get out of bed every day. Maybe it’s friends, family or your pet.
5. While you’re doing this, make your prayer requests known to God, your Heavenly Father, who wants to hear from you.

Once you start, the list will keep growing. Before you know it, your heart is filled more with thanksgiving than it was of anxiety and stress. 

Don’t press your start button again until you’ve done the five things. We’re promised that a thankful heart, while making our requests known to God, will always produce peace as He guards our hearts and minds.

It’s Thanksgiving week. Let’s celebrate with thankful hearts and make this Thursday all about being a day full of gratitude and peace with God’s protection over our hearts and minds.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus,” Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV).

Monday Marker: Full of Fear or Full of Faith?

Which are you right now; full of fear or full of faith?

Confession time.

If I’m honest, lately I’ve been full of more fear than faith.

I’ve been going through a season of struggling with fear. Only in my head though as I’ve kept my fears to myself. Suffering silently.

Are you suffering in silence?

I’ve even been afraid to say what I’m afraid of because I’m afraid it’ll happen. Crazy, right?! Things of which I have no control over.

I’m not afraid of things like the dark, being alone or dying. It’s the smaller fears that I'd allowed to invade my thoughts.

Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of losing a loved one or something bad happening to a loved one.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve felt fear about my future. I’ve allowed what-if questions to torment me and rob the peace, joy and love I’m supposed to enjoy as a Christian.

I’ve condemned myself for even struggling with these fears because I’ve had a relationship with Jesus for a long time. I've walked fearless before.

I’m an encourager by nature and have a long history with exercising my faith in the Lord and trusting Him as Lord of my life. The results have been miraculous. It’s during the difficult times in my past that my faith grew and I really didn’t have any fears.

So why would I struggle with these fears now?

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love” 1 John 4:18.

If I love the Lord as I claim to and spend my life on Him as I strive to do, walking in faith, what is there to fear? If perfect love casts out all fear that means I’ve not been walking in His perfect love.  

God’s love is always perfect. Even when life is hard and bad things happen. Easy to say, right? Not so easy when you’re going through hard stuff and it doesn’t feel like God is loving you.

But it’s true. God’s love is always perfect. When we put our faith in action and cling to this truth, there’s no room for fear. I’m learning that’s how His perfect love dispels all fear. When I tap into my faith in Him, the supernatural happens and that faith fills me up and casts out all fear.  

There is no greater love than what we’ve been given through Jesus Christ. This perfect love paved a pathway straight to God’s heart through Jesus Christ. We grasp onto this love by faith. He has a bright and glorious future for us who have accepted that truth and Christ lives in our heart. When I remind myself of this truth, I feel silly for having been so afraid.

Will you accept that truth too, letting His perfect love cast out your fears?

There is no fear where faith abounds.

I want to leave you with this poem written by Diane Machen.

“Deeper love down to our very soul,

it’s there we have an Anchor who will not let us go.

The Lord who calmed the sea

is the One who sees us through;

He’s given us a deeper love.”

Fearless,

Terri