When you Don't Want the Divorce

Welcome ladies, to Monday Markers!

Today’s post is part one of two parts, as I share some pointers that can help you navigate through an unwanted divorce.

Next week’s part-two will be about life on the other side of divorce.

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I don’t have statistics, but I’m willing to suggest that most women who have faced divorce didn’t want it.

Or maybe at the end of your marriage, following one-sided attempts at salvaging it, you were ready for divorce, even though it wasn’t what you wanted.

If you’re facing an unwanted divorce, you may be wondering how you can go on, thinking you’ll never recover.

If you have children, your situation is more complex and overwhelming, and you’re wondering how you’ll survive as a single mom.

The pain that comes with the ending of a marriage is indescribable. The emotions of hurt and anger wrapped up like a burrito, mixed with a lot of stuff can be downright messy.

This is where I found myself many years ago. Facing divorce and single-parenthood, while sorting through the blinding mud of infidelity and blows of shocking news, trying to sort out truth and lies.

Blaming God.

I didn’t want my divorce. I fought for my marriage the best I knew how. For the longest time I was in denial of what was happening before my eyes.

After a year-long separation, it was apparent that divorce was inevitable.  

As I think back over that tumultuous time in my life, I made a lot of mistakes that prolonged my agony, as I lived out strong co-dependent tendencies.

But I also did a lot to maintain normalcy and a calm stability for me and my kids, which provided us the comfort and security we needed to get through this awful time.

I’m going to share with you the top five things to NOT do (take it from someone who knows), then give you the top five things you CAN do instead. 

This can help you navigate through the rough spots and get you to the other side where miracles and healing happen.

Here are my top 5 suggestions of what NOT to do:

1. Don’t play the phone game. Period. If you don’t have children with your spouse/ex-spouse, there’s no reason at all to put yourself through the whacky insanity of back and forth calls and texts, fighting, begging, blaming and threatening. If you have children and must communicate, keep conversations at a
   
   minimum, ONLY with the children’s best interest as top priority. Avoid arguments that send you over the edge and the kids have to absorb what they hear.
2. Do not stalk or do drive-bys or seek revenge. It’s like pouring gasoline on wildfires. If there’s any avenging needing to be done, that’s God’s job.
3. Don’t bear the burden of responsibility for their choices. But accept responsibility for your part in the demise of the marriage, even if it’s only 10%.
4. Don’t make any major decisions, if possible, for the first year following the finality of your divorce. Stay put, if you can. And by all means stay out of the dating scene for at least a year. Trust me when I tell you this!
5. Do not run from God during a time when you need Him. He will be the true anchor for your sinking heart. He will!

My top 5 things to DO:

1. Spend as much time with family and friends as possible, who support and encourage you in positive ways.
2. Dive into God’s word. Grab on to it as if it’s your lifeboat. As you do, the Lord will meet you smack in the middle of the storms and messes. I can promise you this!
3. Keep making coffee and tea. Sounds weird, I know, but the
   
   simplest of things provide normalcy and comfort during this unpredictable time. Keep mealtime schedules and evening routines with your kids. Do simple household chores.
4. This one is a biggy for me: Set clear,
   healthy boundaries! Do not…I repeat, do not, allow your estranged spouse/ex-spouse to cross these boundaries. I remained open to reconciliation even after our divorce, but confused that with blurred boundaries. This resulted in ongoing, un-necessary heartbreak. For your sanity and healing, set and STICK to clear, uncompromising boundaries. I can’t
   stress this enough. If setting and enforcing boundaries results in
   
   bullying threats, as was in my case, take it to the furthest extent of the law from the first instance and DO NOT compromise under the pressure of threats.
5. Reach out for help in your community and church. Find a local Divorce Care ministry and plug in. Connecting with others who have survived divorce, is crucial. Their wise counsel from personal experience can save you a lot of un-necessary pain and grief.  www.divorcecare.org

There are many more, but these are my top 5.

Have you experienced divorce and have some tips I didn’t mention that you can share with us? I invite your input in the comment section below. Feel free to comment anonymously or sign in through your Google+ account if you have one.

I can’t wait until next week as I share about life after divorce.

Until then, let’s stay the course,

Terri

Am I Ready for Remarriage?

When I tell someone how long I was a single mom, their expression is one of hopelessness, thinking something like,

I can't wait that long! 

Or

I’d never survive being single that long.

Or
if God makes me wait that long 
for the man of my dreams I’ll be too old.

The experts say that for every five years you were married, it takes one to heal. Example: If you were married 15 years, then you should allow at least three to heal. This also applies if your split up was amicable or you were the one who left.

God hates divorce because of the damaging ripple effects for the rest of your life and the innocent children who get caught in the aftermath. I can personally attest to that fact.

But our God is a redeeming, healing God of second chances. I can attest to that FACT too.

All through my 30’s I was sure by age 40 I’d be remarried. I had a few crushes and one serious boyfriend. He was a wonderful Christian guy and I was sure THE ONE and sure I was ready to remarry. We both had our own baggage full of issues and that bubble burst quickly and the relationship ended.

Some said I was too picky. Really? How can you be too picky about someone you’re thinking of spending the rest of your life with, then adding the complications that come with blended families? Even if the kids are grown!

Throughout my 19 years as a single mom, I went through seasons of distrusting ALL men to longing for the attention, affection and companionship of a man. I prayed. I looked. I even dabbled in the Internet dating sites when they first came on the scene.

Those years that God kept me single, were some of the hardest times of my life, but they were some of the BEST times too. The Lord Almighty became my Husband, constant companion, my peace, comforter, provider and safe refuge. 

Towards the end of my single-parenthood (before I met my current husband), God caused Proverbs 12:4 to jump off the pages of my Bible one day.

A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, 

but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones. (NIV)

I had observed many marriages over the years and witnessed the noble wife and the disgraceful wife. I vowed that if God brought another husband into my life, I would be his crown and strive to bring him goodness the rest of his days. A lot easier said than done.

Sixteen years after my divorce, I went through Divorce Care, a 12-week course for healing from divorce. For more info go to: http://www.divorcecare.org/. Churches worldwide host this program and you should be able to find one near you. I strongly recommend it.

I became a facilitator after completing the program and one of my classmates (a guy) assisted when needed with male participants. We both showed up in a Sunday school class and started hanging out with the same group of people.

Our eight-month friendship grew into a dating relationship. There were no pretenses with him or me trying to figure out how I should act with him; none of the macho, look-at-me, aren’t-I’m-impressive mysteries to sort through. We were in our mid 40's and didn’t have time for such foolishness. 

During the two years from our first official date to the big I DO, we had two breakups, several months of counseling, then pre-marriage counseling. We watched a video series developed by Andy Stanley, called 'i Marriage'. If you think you're ready for remarriage, please watch this series! It's available everywhere you can purchase books and media.

Our first year of marriage was full of great times, mixed with lots of issues and unmet expectations on both our parts.

Ladies, it's hard being single. And it's hard being married.

In the nearly nine years since our wedding, I've learned a lot about myself. Mostly that I can be a moody, selfish individual, easily irritated, imposing unrealistic expectations on my husband. 

Over the years Proverbs 12:4 hung out in the bottom of my heart and back of my mind. My husband had female decay residue in his bones, and it was never my intent to add to it.

I wanted to be a noble wife, but didn't have the power to carry it out. I wanted to support him, encourage him, and build him up, not tear him down.

If it were not for both our committments, first to God, then to each other, constantly working on our issues, chances are we wouldn't still be married. 

If you want to know if you're ready for remarriage, ask yourself these questions:

• Am I ready to set aside my needs and put him first above all others, including my kids? (except Jesus, of course)
• Am I prepared to let go of certain expectations and love him unconditionally?
• Have I dealt with issues and healed from my previous marriage or relationships and not just put a bandaid over it?
  
• Are we both fully committed to each other, even after the honeymoon ends and the real love work begins?
• Am I ready and prepared to be the little "i" in the iMarriage and not the I DO, thinking it's now going to be all about me and my wants, needs and desires? 

It doesn't matter how wonderful you think a man is, he can't meet all your needs, wants and desires. Only God, through a personal relationship in Jesus Christ can do that. 

But what am I supposed to do while I wait?

I'm so glad you asked.

• Take advantage of that time by sincerely working on you. Become that noble woman who exhibits the qualities you'd like to have in a mate. 
• Serve God with the gifts and talents He's given you and become His first, before belonging to any man. 
• Live now! Expel the thinking that life only begins when you "have" someone. 

Then when you least expect it, perhaps God will open that 2nd-chance door in the last place you would ever expect. 

For me...I'm a work in progress and staying the course,

Terri

What Are You Wearing Today?

What did you put on this morning when you got up?

A uniform? Business clothes? Jeans? Are you dressy, casual or still in your pajamas?

Are you wearing earrings? Necklace? Bracelets? And what kind of shoes are you wearing?

I'm sure how you're dressed is determined by where you’re going or what’s on today’s agenda.

When we get dressed, we are careful to choose clothes based on how we want to look, along with style and comfort. 

Maybe we dress to hide what's really "hidden" or underneath.

We also dress in "invisible" clothes that we're unaware of. We wear them every day. These “invisible” clothes affect everything we say and do far more than we think. Truth is, they're not so invisible.

One day, not very long ago, I asked a single mom who was homeless, this question:

How is it that, what you’ve been through and currently going through, you’re so positive, energetic and hopeful? Sitting there with her, one could not see a hint of her current circumstances.

I’ll never forget what her answer was:

               I just don’t wear it.

Her answer stunned me for a few seconds, then I got it.

I was part of a panel of interviewers, discussing her entrance into a resident ministry for single moms.

Her children were well dressed and well behaved. She didn’t let them “wear” their circumstances either.

I was convicted. Not guilt-ridden, but gently convicted by the Lord.

I thought about when I was a single mom and how I put on my struggles, hardships and disappointments every day, wearing them everywhere I went.

I dressed myself in shame, financial burdens, victimization and rejection. I walked in shoes of fear and anger, depending on what day it was.

Those years have passed for me, but those five little words made me realize I still wore a lot of the same old “clothes”.

I love wearing something new. Don’t you? How do you feel when you put on a new dress or outfit?

I wonder what would happen if we simply changed our invisible clothing, one piece at a time. How do you think it would begin to affect our outward circumstances (and appearance)?

Here's a few:

 “…and provide for those who grieve in Zion – 

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 

the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise 

instead of a spirit of despair. Isaiah 61:3

LAYER ON

I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. 

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation 

and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, 

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10

AND

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled 

around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness 

in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness 

that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, 

take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish 

all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the 

helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, 

which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:4-17

ACCESSORIZE WITH

Your statutes, Lord, stand firm; holiness adorns 

your house for endless days. Psalm 93:5

AND

She is clothed with strength and dignity; 

she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25

I know. You might be thinking it’s much easier said, than done. I get that.  

That’s why we must go from just saying it, to doing it. Piece by piece, day by day. Or hey, just go on an all-out spree and get a whole new wardrobe at once.

The best part is…IT’S ALL FREE!

My daughter once said, “you dress for the job you want, not the one you have.” (Unless you already have the job you want)

Maybe if we “dressed” for the circumstances we want, not the ones we’re in, what would happen?

Here’s a summary of what we could be wearing from our new wardrobe:

Crown of beauty

Oil of joy

Garments of praise and salvation

Robe of righteousness

Belt of truth

Breastplate of righteousness

Shoes from the gospel of peace

Shield of faith

Helmet of salvation

Sword of the Spirit (God's Word)

Holiness

Strength

Dignity

These are just a few. Maybe you can add some in the comments area below that I’ve left out.

I’m updating my current wardrobe. Won’t you join me? 

Staying the course,

Terri