Am I Ready for Remarriage?

When I tell someone how long I was a single mom, their expression is one of hopelessness, thinking something like,

I can't wait that long! 

Or

I’d never survive being single that long.

Or
if God makes me wait that long 
for the man of my dreams I’ll be too old.

The experts say that for every five years you were married, it takes one to heal. Example: If you were married 15 years, then you should allow at least three to heal. This also applies if your split up was amicable or you were the one who left.

God hates divorce because of the damaging ripple effects for the rest of your life and the innocent children who get caught in the aftermath. I can personally attest to that fact.

But our God is a redeeming, healing God of second chances. I can attest to that FACT too.

All through my 30’s I was sure by age 40 I’d be remarried. I had a few crushes and one serious boyfriend. He was a wonderful Christian guy and I was sure THE ONE and sure I was ready to remarry. We both had our own baggage full of issues and that bubble burst quickly and the relationship ended.

Some said I was too picky. Really? How can you be too picky about someone you’re thinking of spending the rest of your life with, then adding the complications that come with blended families? Even if the kids are grown!

Throughout my 19 years as a single mom, I went through seasons of distrusting ALL men to longing for the attention, affection and companionship of a man. I prayed. I looked. I even dabbled in the Internet dating sites when they first came on the scene.

Those years that God kept me single, were some of the hardest times of my life, but they were some of the BEST times too. The Lord Almighty became my Husband, constant companion, my peace, comforter, provider and safe refuge. 

Towards the end of my single-parenthood (before I met my current husband), God caused Proverbs 12:4 to jump off the pages of my Bible one day.

A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, 

but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones. (NIV)

I had observed many marriages over the years and witnessed the noble wife and the disgraceful wife. I vowed that if God brought another husband into my life, I would be his crown and strive to bring him goodness the rest of his days. A lot easier said than done.

Sixteen years after my divorce, I went through Divorce Care, a 12-week course for healing from divorce. For more info go to: http://www.divorcecare.org/. Churches worldwide host this program and you should be able to find one near you. I strongly recommend it.

I became a facilitator after completing the program and one of my classmates (a guy) assisted when needed with male participants. We both showed up in a Sunday school class and started hanging out with the same group of people.

Our eight-month friendship grew into a dating relationship. There were no pretenses with him or me trying to figure out how I should act with him; none of the macho, look-at-me, aren’t-I’m-impressive mysteries to sort through. We were in our mid 40's and didn’t have time for such foolishness. 

During the two years from our first official date to the big I DO, we had two breakups, several months of counseling, then pre-marriage counseling. We watched a video series developed by Andy Stanley, called 'i Marriage'. If you think you're ready for remarriage, please watch this series! It's available everywhere you can purchase books and media.

Our first year of marriage was full of great times, mixed with lots of issues and unmet expectations on both our parts.

Ladies, it's hard being single. And it's hard being married.

In the nearly nine years since our wedding, I've learned a lot about myself. Mostly that I can be a moody, selfish individual, easily irritated, imposing unrealistic expectations on my husband. 

Over the years Proverbs 12:4 hung out in the bottom of my heart and back of my mind. My husband had female decay residue in his bones, and it was never my intent to add to it.

I wanted to be a noble wife, but didn't have the power to carry it out. I wanted to support him, encourage him, and build him up, not tear him down.

If it were not for both our committments, first to God, then to each other, constantly working on our issues, chances are we wouldn't still be married. 

If you want to know if you're ready for remarriage, ask yourself these questions:

• Am I ready to set aside my needs and put him first above all others, including my kids? (except Jesus, of course)
• Am I prepared to let go of certain expectations and love him unconditionally?
• Have I dealt with issues and healed from my previous marriage or relationships and not just put a bandaid over it?
  
• Are we both fully committed to each other, even after the honeymoon ends and the real love work begins?
• Am I ready and prepared to be the little "i" in the iMarriage and not the I DO, thinking it's now going to be all about me and my wants, needs and desires? 

It doesn't matter how wonderful you think a man is, he can't meet all your needs, wants and desires. Only God, through a personal relationship in Jesus Christ can do that. 

But what am I supposed to do while I wait?

I'm so glad you asked.

• Take advantage of that time by sincerely working on you. Become that noble woman who exhibits the qualities you'd like to have in a mate. 
• Serve God with the gifts and talents He's given you and become His first, before belonging to any man. 
• Live now! Expel the thinking that life only begins when you "have" someone. 

Then when you least expect it, perhaps God will open that 2nd-chance door in the last place you would ever expect. 

For me...I'm a work in progress and staying the course,

Terri