When you Don't Want the Divorce

Welcome ladies, to Monday Markers!

Today’s post is part one of two parts, as I share some pointers that can help you navigate through an unwanted divorce.

Next week’s part-two will be about life on the other side of divorce.

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I don’t have statistics, but I’m willing to suggest that most women who have faced divorce didn’t want it.

Or maybe at the end of your marriage, following one-sided attempts at salvaging it, you were ready for divorce, even though it wasn’t what you wanted.

If you’re facing an unwanted divorce, you may be wondering how you can go on, thinking you’ll never recover.

If you have children, your situation is more complex and overwhelming, and you’re wondering how you’ll survive as a single mom.

The pain that comes with the ending of a marriage is indescribable. The emotions of hurt and anger wrapped up like a burrito, mixed with a lot of stuff can be downright messy.

This is where I found myself many years ago. Facing divorce and single-parenthood, while sorting through the blinding mud of infidelity and blows of shocking news, trying to sort out truth and lies.

Blaming God.

I didn’t want my divorce. I fought for my marriage the best I knew how. For the longest time I was in denial of what was happening before my eyes.

After a year-long separation, it was apparent that divorce was inevitable.  

As I think back over that tumultuous time in my life, I made a lot of mistakes that prolonged my agony, as I lived out strong co-dependent tendencies.

But I also did a lot to maintain normalcy and a calm stability for me and my kids, which provided us the comfort and security we needed to get through this awful time.

I’m going to share with you the top five things to NOT do (take it from someone who knows), then give you the top five things you CAN do instead. 

This can help you navigate through the rough spots and get you to the other side where miracles and healing happen.

Here are my top 5 suggestions of what NOT to do:

1. Don’t play the phone game. Period. If you don’t have children with your spouse/ex-spouse, there’s no reason at all to put yourself through the whacky insanity of back and forth calls and texts, fighting, begging, blaming and threatening. If you have children and must communicate, keep conversations at a
   
   minimum, ONLY with the children’s best interest as top priority. Avoid arguments that send you over the edge and the kids have to absorb what they hear.
2. Do not stalk or do drive-bys or seek revenge. It’s like pouring gasoline on wildfires. If there’s any avenging needing to be done, that’s God’s job.
3. Don’t bear the burden of responsibility for their choices. But accept responsibility for your part in the demise of the marriage, even if it’s only 10%.
4. Don’t make any major decisions, if possible, for the first year following the finality of your divorce. Stay put, if you can. And by all means stay out of the dating scene for at least a year. Trust me when I tell you this!
5. Do not run from God during a time when you need Him. He will be the true anchor for your sinking heart. He will!

My top 5 things to DO:

1. Spend as much time with family and friends as possible, who support and encourage you in positive ways.
2. Dive into God’s word. Grab on to it as if it’s your lifeboat. As you do, the Lord will meet you smack in the middle of the storms and messes. I can promise you this!
3. Keep making coffee and tea. Sounds weird, I know, but the
   
   simplest of things provide normalcy and comfort during this unpredictable time. Keep mealtime schedules and evening routines with your kids. Do simple household chores.
4. This one is a biggy for me: Set clear,
   healthy boundaries! Do not…I repeat, do not, allow your estranged spouse/ex-spouse to cross these boundaries. I remained open to reconciliation even after our divorce, but confused that with blurred boundaries. This resulted in ongoing, un-necessary heartbreak. For your sanity and healing, set and STICK to clear, uncompromising boundaries. I can’t
   stress this enough. If setting and enforcing boundaries results in
   
   bullying threats, as was in my case, take it to the furthest extent of the law from the first instance and DO NOT compromise under the pressure of threats.
5. Reach out for help in your community and church. Find a local Divorce Care ministry and plug in. Connecting with others who have survived divorce, is crucial. Their wise counsel from personal experience can save you a lot of un-necessary pain and grief.  www.divorcecare.org

There are many more, but these are my top 5.

Have you experienced divorce and have some tips I didn’t mention that you can share with us? I invite your input in the comment section below. Feel free to comment anonymously or sign in through your Google+ account if you have one.

I can’t wait until next week as I share about life after divorce.

Until then, let’s stay the course,

Terri