Life on the Other Side of Divorce

Good Monday morning everyone!

Last week I shared some tips about what NOT to do and what you CAN do when facing an unwanted divorce.

Today I have some encouragement for you about life after divorce. As you surrender your brokenness to Jesus Christ, you will come to the place where you can enjoy life again and walk in newness and healing.  

It’s been 27 years since my divorce. God carried me through the hard realities of double betrayal and into the scary world of single-parenthood. While my husband and best friend carried on as if nothing was wrong with what they were doing, my children and I bore the brunt of most of it, or so it seemed at the time.

We didn’t come out unscathed. But through it all, we saw God’s hand in miraculous ways and enjoyed His blessings of peace and comfort in the midst of difficulties.

During the beginning of my separation and divorce, I can remember thinking to myself…three years…in three years I’ll be past all of this.

I don’t know why three years was stuck in my head, but it seemed within reach. I knew the dark clouds would part, the sun would shine again and the pain wouldn’t be felt as much.  

In the meantime, I curled up in God’s lap and drew every ounce of strength I had from Him. His word, my Bible, was my lifeline as I placed my hope and trust in His promises.

With each loss that we endured, God provided something new. When I stood on God’s promises during a crisis He came through. Usually it was never in a way I would have thought.

I discovered early on that He wanted to use what the devil thought would destroy me, for His glory. God wanted to turn every defeat into a victory and He’s still doing it to this day!

When bad things happened, God aligned incredible people, opportunities and sweet memories to outshine the bad. I learned to

enjoy simple pleasures. For 19 years while being a single mom, God opened doors when others would close and provided comfort and healing through it all.

Something I never thought would happen is I learned to enjoy my own company and being alone. I discovered who I am in Him in ways I couldn’t have if not for my brokenness.

He took all the pain and heartache and turned it into a writing ministry and opened doors to a non-profit ministry to single parents.  

You intended to harm me, but God 

intended it for good…Genesis 50:20

I’m still curled up in His lap, but now it’s to learn from Him, gain wisdom and direction as He continues repurposing my life, which now includes a sweet new husband of eight years.

Whatever stage you may be in of a separation or divorce, I want to encourage you, and comfort you with these words:

Praise be to the God and Father of 

our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of 

compassion and the God of all comfort, 

who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble 

with the comfort we ourselves 

receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Now, put me in place of us and my in place of our and I in the place of we. And re-read the above verse.

And also these promises:

But now, this is what the Lord says, he who created 

you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: ‘Do not fear, 

for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by 

name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, 

I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, 

they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the 

fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set 

you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the 

Holy One of Israel, your Savior…Isaiah 43:1-3a

Now, insert your name in the place of Jacob and Israel and re-read the above verse.

Wherever you may be in a separation and/or divorce process, God is a redeeming God. He is the Lord who heals you (Exodus 15:26).

God is close and ready to heal your broken heart when you’re ready.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and 

saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds 

up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Are you facing a separation or divorce?

I invite you to share below your thoughts if you’ve experienced an unwanted divorce or are facing one now. If you’d like to email me privately, simply fill out the contact form on the right.

Until next Monday, stay the course,

Terri

When you Don't Want the Divorce

Welcome ladies, to Monday Markers!

Today’s post is part one of two parts, as I share some pointers that can help you navigate through an unwanted divorce.

Next week’s part-two will be about life on the other side of divorce.

~~~~~~~~

I don’t have statistics, but I’m willing to suggest that most women who have faced divorce didn’t want it.

Or maybe at the end of your marriage, following one-sided attempts at salvaging it, you were ready for divorce, even though it wasn’t what you wanted.

If you’re facing an unwanted divorce, you may be wondering how you can go on, thinking you’ll never recover.

If you have children, your situation is more complex and overwhelming, and you’re wondering how you’ll survive as a single mom.

The pain that comes with the ending of a marriage is indescribable. The emotions of hurt and anger wrapped up like a burrito, mixed with a lot of stuff can be downright messy.

This is where I found myself many years ago. Facing divorce and single-parenthood, while sorting through the blinding mud of infidelity and blows of shocking news, trying to sort out truth and lies.

Blaming God.

I didn’t want my divorce. I fought for my marriage the best I knew how. For the longest time I was in denial of what was happening before my eyes.

After a year-long separation, it was apparent that divorce was inevitable.  

As I think back over that tumultuous time in my life, I made a lot of mistakes that prolonged my agony, as I lived out strong co-dependent tendencies.

But I also did a lot to maintain normalcy and a calm stability for me and my kids, which provided us the comfort and security we needed to get through this awful time.

I’m going to share with you the top five things to NOT do (take it from someone who knows), then give you the top five things you CAN do instead. 

This can help you navigate through the rough spots and get you to the other side where miracles and healing happen.

Here are my top 5 suggestions of what NOT to do:

1. Don’t play the phone game. Period. If you don’t have children with your spouse/ex-spouse, there’s no reason at all to put yourself through the whacky insanity of back and forth calls and texts, fighting, begging, blaming and threatening. If you have children and must communicate, keep conversations at a
   
   minimum, ONLY with the children’s best interest as top priority. Avoid arguments that send you over the edge and the kids have to absorb what they hear.
2. Do not stalk or do drive-bys or seek revenge. It’s like pouring gasoline on wildfires. If there’s any avenging needing to be done, that’s God’s job.
3. Don’t bear the burden of responsibility for their choices. But accept responsibility for your part in the demise of the marriage, even if it’s only 10%.
4. Don’t make any major decisions, if possible, for the first year following the finality of your divorce. Stay put, if you can. And by all means stay out of the dating scene for at least a year. Trust me when I tell you this!
5. Do not run from God during a time when you need Him. He will be the true anchor for your sinking heart. He will!

My top 5 things to DO:

1. Spend as much time with family and friends as possible, who support and encourage you in positive ways.
2. Dive into God’s word. Grab on to it as if it’s your lifeboat. As you do, the Lord will meet you smack in the middle of the storms and messes. I can promise you this!
3. Keep making coffee and tea. Sounds weird, I know, but the
   
   simplest of things provide normalcy and comfort during this unpredictable time. Keep mealtime schedules and evening routines with your kids. Do simple household chores.
4. This one is a biggy for me: Set clear,
   healthy boundaries! Do not…I repeat, do not, allow your estranged spouse/ex-spouse to cross these boundaries. I remained open to reconciliation even after our divorce, but confused that with blurred boundaries. This resulted in ongoing, un-necessary heartbreak. For your sanity and healing, set and STICK to clear, uncompromising boundaries. I can’t
   stress this enough. If setting and enforcing boundaries results in
   
   bullying threats, as was in my case, take it to the furthest extent of the law from the first instance and DO NOT compromise under the pressure of threats.
5. Reach out for help in your community and church. Find a local Divorce Care ministry and plug in. Connecting with others who have survived divorce, is crucial. Their wise counsel from personal experience can save you a lot of un-necessary pain and grief.  www.divorcecare.org

There are many more, but these are my top 5.

Have you experienced divorce and have some tips I didn’t mention that you can share with us? I invite your input in the comment section below. Feel free to comment anonymously or sign in through your Google+ account if you have one.

I can’t wait until next week as I share about life after divorce.

Until then, let’s stay the course,

Terri